May 13, 2018

Well, I haven’t been so good about writing to You, Lord.

I’d like to have some really good excuse for my lack of communication, but that would be a lie.  Honestly, I just haven’t wanted to talk.  That sounds absolutely horrible, doesn’t it?!?

I know I should have this overwhelming desire to talk to You.  First thing when I wake up You should be on my mind.  Technically, there are probably a lot of things I “should” be doing in my relationship with You that I am not.  I kind of stink at being a Christian right now!

I had a good “Christian” moment last Thursday!  I got the results from the Nephrologist.  When I was praying that morning, I felt like I was going to hear something that sounded bad, but that wasn’t as bad as it sounded.  That was You giving me a heads up!

My Creatinine levels went down from 1.7 – 1.1.  But the preliminary diagnosis of Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 1 was bumped up to Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 2 or 3.  That’s the “sounds bad” part.  The ultrasound revealed that I had scarring on my kidneys but that it didn’t seem to be progressing.  They were old scars.  So basically, I just need to make some lifestyle changes to keep my current level of kidney function the same.

Thank You, for that Lord.  With my lifestyle as a teenager and a young adult it is not surprising that I have kidney damage.  Add to that a stroke at 32 and it all makes sense.  I lived hard!  And unfortunately, my body remembers those years of hard living.

I thank You for healing me Lord.

God Stop:  Lord, I thank You for all the healing that You have done in body over the years.  I thank You that You the Lord my Healer.  I know You want me whole body, mind, and spirit!  So, I thank You for working in my life to accomplish that.

 

I LOVE YOU!

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May 6, 2018

Hi!  It’s been a while.

Oh, how easy it is to get distracted and sidetracked from writing You.  I don’t even have a good excuse to offer.  I simply let other things take precedence over talking with You.

A lot has happened since we last spoke.  My job is having a change a venue.  Which is a HUGE deal.  We truly feel like the vision that You have given us, Lord, is different than the vision they have.  The good news is that we are parting on amicable terms.  We didn’t think that would ever be able to happen, but it has!  Thank You, Lord.  I know that is all You!

I was going to type, “the bad news is…”, but it’s not bad news at all.  It is simply different news than we were expecting.  We are going to need to be our own standalone 501c3.  We won’t be going under another religious organization again.  We thought we would be going under a larger group of our current organization, but if they add more employees it takes them into a different non-profit bracket.  Which is too expensive for us to pay the difference.  This means we will have to find a way for our employees to have insurance and retirement benefits.

The good news is that this means we can look around and get some good deals.  It also gives us the chance to build our 501c3 from the ground up the way we feel led by You!  So, I can’t call that bad news.  It is just more work than we were expecting.

I am trying to look at this as an opportunity for us to grow and become all we were intended to become as a ministry.  And I realize that it is time for me to grow with the ministry.  This is a good chance for me to re-dedicate myself to my job.  And to truly do my work as if I am doing unto You, Lord.

I am feeling led to really limit my interaction with Mr. B and the game.  I don’t need to be playing or talking to him during work hours.  Those hours need to be dedicated to You.  Not only do we have a lot of work ahead of us that will be keeping me busy, but in order for me to be fully present and serving You I don’t need him as a distraction.

I am sure that this is heading towards stopping my communication with Mr. B.  Oh my goodness, I had a hard time even typing that, Lord.  I wanted to write anything but the word STOPPING. The thought of not talking to him makes me edgy.  I don’t like thinking about it.  Not at all!

During Church today, I asked myself this question:

Are you willing to give up Mr. B for God?

My head said “yes,” but if I am honest, my heart said, “I don’t wanna.”  Lord, I know what I need to choose.  I know what I should want to choose.  But I can’t lie to You, I want to avoid that choice at all costs.  I want to cling to Mr. B.  I want to keep him to myself.  Not bring You into that relationship.  That is the horrible truth.

God Stop: Lord, please help me to be willing to give my relationship with Mr. B to You.  I know that You will know what I need to do with that relationship.  Obviously, I am incapable on my own to have it be a healthy relationship.  I need Your help.

Please forgive me for not evening wanting to pray that, Lord.  I almost regret having written it.  But I do believe it is what I need to be praying.  I really need Your help in this area.  Mr. B is a good person, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a good person for me to be in relationship with.

This makes me sad.  But I know that I know that You always have my best interests at heart, Lord!  It’s not always what my heart wants, but my heart is not always wise!

 The human heart is the most deceitful of all things,
and desperately wicked.
Who really knows how bad it is?
Jeremiah 17:9

Free

There’s nothing i can say
When you give yourself away
Walking alone in the grey

There is a price that is paid
As dreams and hopes fade
And the enemy’s record is played.

My friend stop being blind.
Seek and you will find,
Your God, gentle and kind.

You were born to be free.
One day soon you shall see,
The woman God created you to be.

© 2018 the god stop

April 29, 2018

I have to be completely honest with You, Lord.  I didn’t feel much like writing to You today.  Not for any specific reason.  Other than, I want to create some Scripture Art!

Thank You for another good night’s rest.  8.5 hours.  My body doesn’t know what to do with all this sleep.

Ms. S made it here safely.  We had some nice chats last night.  She is off to the Amusement Park today.  Mr. J was nice enough to be her Uber dude!

I did stay up about 1/2 hour later than my 11 pm curfew last night.  I talked to Mr. B for about 15 mins.  And that threw my schedule off a bit.  I need to be careful about that.  I really want to stick to my 11 pm sleep schedule.

God Stop: Lord, thank You for today.  I thank You for Pastor Chris’ message this morning about Wisdom and giving.  And I thank You for my devotional this morning about being a “Here I am” kind of person.

That’s the artwork I am going to create today, Lord.  I will see You there in just a few minutes!

I LOVE YOU!

April 28, 2018

3 days in a row!

To bed at 11 pm three days in a row!  Go me!  And I naturally wake up at 7 am.  I haven’t had 3 days of good sleep in a row in ages, Lord.  Thank You!  I thank you for helping me to figure out a sleep schedule that works for me.

I thank You also for giving me the strength to not play the game or talk on the IM app much.  I am not playing the game at all, right now.  And I am only talking on the IM app to Mr. B sporadically.  And I sign off of there by 10 pm each night.  It has made all the difference!

I also want to thank You for an amazing God-incidence.  (Not a coincidence)  Yesterday morning I happened to look at my bank account.  I just deposited some money in my account and had tried to make a purchase that wouldn’t go through.  Well, an automatic annual payment had dropped.  I thought I had cancelled all of the automatic payments from that company.  Anyways, it was almost as much as what I had deposited so I was going to have no money for food or anything else until I got paid on Monday.

I was kind of freaking out.  I really don’t like have so little money in my bank account.  I started crying out to You to help me calm down.  When I suddenly remembered that a friend of mine had dropped off a get well card the day before.  Due to food allergies she could not make me dinners to freeze, so she had given me a gift card to Publix grocery store.  A $100 gift card which was exactly what I needed to help me get through until I get paid.  Since I can only eat protein at the moment, my food bill tends to be a bit pricey.  But I never eat out at all so I am sure it evens itself out with other people’s bills.

Anyways, I am sitting there on my bed praying to calm down.  When You calmly remind me of this Publix gift card.  And I realize that You were already one step ahead of me…per usual!  Thank You Lord for knowing what my needs would be even before I would know I needed them!

Also, I am excited that my friend Ms. S is coming for an unexpected visit this weekend.  I am saddened by her reason for the visit, but glad that she could fit us into her flight home.

Ms. S’s brother was murdered last Friday.  Yes, I said murdered!  I got an email from her on Wednesday asking if I had seen the text she sent me.  I said I had not and she sent me this email back:

…we have had a family tragedy that I wanted to let you know about.  J was killed by an acquaintance of his at his house late Friday night.  The guy was out of his mind on crystal meth and hallucinating.  He said he was seeing demons everywhere and shot J twice because he said he saw demons.  My mom found him the next morning.  The guy has been arrested.  It is a major shock.

At the bottom of the email was a link to the newspaper article about the shooting.  The police declared it as a homicide.

Being an only child, I can’t even fathom the heartache she must be feeling.  I know how devastated I would be if that happened to one of my friends.  I can’t even imagine the depth of pain that comes when it is a family member.  Especially, your younger brother.

As soon as I read that I called her and left a message telling her that she had to come stay with us.  That she need to come get some dog love and human love asap.  And once again, Lord, You were already one step ahead of us.

A friend of her dad’s had given her frequent flyer miles for a free flight.  Her return flight just happen to have a lay over in my city.  (Can you say God-incidence) So she extended the layover for two days.  She was able to cancel her hotel room and she will come stay with us!  I am so glad she will be able to come get some love and prayers!  Oh and Mr. J’s famous pot roast!

I feel horrible for the reason of her visit, but it will be nice to see her.  She lives far away and I have been able to see her twice since the beginning of the year.  Thank You, Lord, for that!

God Stop:  Lord, please help me to love Ms. S well this weekend.  Let me know when to listen and when to speak.  May my words be Your words.  Please fill me with Your words and Love to share with her.

Thank You for all the God-incidences that happened this week.  It was a great reminder that You are always one step ahead of us.  These two situations show how You take care of us in the mundane and in the tragedies of life.  Thank You.

I LOVE YOU!

April 27, 2018

Can you believe it?

I went to bed again at 11 pm.  Two nights in a row!  Yay!

Then Mr. J woke me up coming into my room to get my car keys.  Boo Hiss!  lol  At least I got 6 hours of sleep.  Which is better than my usual nightly sleep time.

So, I worked 3 days in the office this week, Lord.  That means I had “face time” each day.  I do think it helped me and it helped people to see me back in the office.  I was planning on doing 4 days, but I was really tired by Wednesday.  I asked my boss if I could work my way up to 4 days.  And she said I could.

Thank You for blessing me through my job, Lord.  I don’t know of any other place where I could set my own schedule.  Work from home when I want and work in the office when I want to.  Plus, the atmosphere is one of family.  It is truly amazing.  Thank You!

And now comes the time of confession.  Yes, I have talked to Mr. B.  But it has been limited.  I am pacing myself with my interactions with him.  I really do enjoy our conversations.  I think if we just keep it to surface talk we will be fine.  It’s not the same as Mr. O or Mr. R.  I knew I was going to meet them in person.  And I did meet them in person.  That is where the line was crossed.

I am sitting here thinking…  Did I ever ask for Your forgiveness with Mr. O?  I don’t know that I did.  Lord, please forgive me for my actions with Mr. O.  I should have never put myself in the position of meeting a stranger.  And then spending the weekend with him.  I am truly awed that you protected me that weekend.  For all I knew, he could have been a serial killer.  Yes, I know that is a bit extreme!  But honestly, when you meet people from online you never know who they really are!  They can say they are one person and actually be another person all together.

Also, Lord please forgive me for sending Mr. B bikini pictures.  I misled him with those pictures.  They were created.  Photoshop and other programs can do amazing things these days.  Forgive me for my need to impress him.  It shouldn’t matter what I look like.  He is off limits in that way.  Completely off limits!  Please help me to have a right way of thinking when it comes to him.  Clear out the confusion and give me a clear picture of truth.

Wow!  I have done a lot of stupid things when it comes to men, Lord!

God Stop:  Please give me the mind of Christ when it comes to all things men!  My way of thinking stinks.  I know that I need a renewed mind.  So thank You for transforming my mind.  And helping me to place You first in mind.

Front and Center.

Then I know all other thoughts will fall into place.  You bring order to chaos.  Right thinking instead of confusion.  Godly love instead of lust.  You set me straight in how I live my life.

Thank You.

I LOVE YOU!

April 26, 2018

Thank You, Lord!

Thank for 9 hours of sleep!  I really can’t remember the last time I had 9 hours of sleep.  I usually go on between 3-5 hours.  I am trying to get on a more regular sleeping schedule.  That is one of the things the Mayo Clinic says people with chronic diseases need to do…get enough sleep.

So by not talking to Mr. B or playing the game, I actually went to bed at 10:50 pm last night.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I went to bed before 12 am.  It has been years!

Yesterday, I let Mr. B know that I wouldn’t be able to be online until Monday.  I told him that he would need to play all my players.  I told him it was because I wasn’t feeling well.  Which is true…emotionally!  Physically, I feel pretty much like I always do.

Achy, runny goopy eyes, tired, depression that comes and goes…

He asked if I could set the one player’s shield – the one he doesn’t have.  I said I couldn’t because I didn’t have the device.  Which is true since I was in the office.  Then he asked if I was going to the hospital.  And I said, I didn’t know where I was going.

Bad me for lying.  I think I wanted to add a bit of drama to get him to care.  BAD ME!  Then I started worrying about lying and didn’t want something to happen for real.  So I texted this morning saying only:

No hospital.

Please forgive me for being so manipulative, Lord.  It is not behavior that I am proud of.  I seem to do it when I am trying to separate from someone emotionally.  It’s like I want to know they still care even while I am walking out the door.  So, very, emotionally immature of me!  Grrrrrrrr…

But the one good thing that came out of it is that since I wasn’t playing the game or talking on the IM app last night I was able to go to bed early.  Those two things are definitely the culprits of my staying up late!

Once again, I am back to the word balance.  I am so all or nothing, Lord!  I remember when Ms. L prayed for balance over my life several years ago.  I knew at the time that was exactly what I needed in my life.  And now, I am back to that again.

As I was typing something came to my mind.  I need to ask Your forgiveness for a couple of things.  So that is how I am going to end my letter today.

God Stop: Lord, please forgive me for all the times that I step out of Your balance in my life.  You have things perfectly balanced.  Yet, when I choose to stray from You that balance gets skewed.  Please help me not to stray.

Please forgive me for spending over $40k on a stupid game, Lord.  What a waste of the money that You have given me.  Help me to be a good steward of the financial blessings You have given me.  Let me start thinking before I spend.

Please forgive me for manipulating Mr. B.  I know it is a desperate attempt on my part to have him show me he cares.  Help me to just see him as a an online friend…nothing more.  Please renew my mind in regards to the cyber crush.  Set me free from those feelings.

Thank you.

I LOVE YOU

 

April 25, 2018

Today, what to say about today.

I am kind of numb today.  I feel like I am wearing a perpetual frown lately.  And I don’t like that at all.  I am usually a fairly optimistic person.  But over the past couple of years, I feel like I am partaking in a more negative view of life.  I don’t want to be one of “those” people, Lord.

I have so much to be thankful for.  How could I even dare to be negative?  You have showered me with so many blessings.  More than I will ever be able to count.  Yet, here I sit, little Ms Negative.   UGH!

So, I have decided on a short term goal with Mr. B.  I did end up talking to him yesterday.  The conversation was strictly about the game.  Which was a bit stilted and awkward.  And yes, I totally stink.  I downloaded the IM app again.

BIG SIGH

I told him we had to stick to some rules:

1. No being bad
2. 99% game talk
3. If I teased him about his harem he needed to direct it back to the game.

He agreed saying that we hadn’t been “bad” in quite awhile.  And that we would only talk about the game.  He did say he had 1 favor, please.  He wants me to keep him updated about my health.

Why is it so easy for him to shift gears, but not me.  Talking about the game was fine, but I miss the “sweety” and the more lighthearted tone.  But I can’t have my cake and eat it too in this situation.  I know that.  But it still stinks…just saying!

Trying to sort this out makes me feel yucky emotionally.  I alternate between being about to cry and getting angry.  So, I basically manipulated the scenario by saying last night that I wasn’t feeling well.  And now I am not going to talk to him until Monday.  A part of me wants to see if he even cares enough to check on me during this time.  Another part of me wants to use this time to give me some separation from him.  I am not playing the game during this time either.

That probably wasn’t the best way to deal with him, but I already did it so now I’m going to go with it.  Lord, what is the point of me talking with Mr. B?  I always somehow get my emotions in a turmoil.  You would think I would be smart enough to want to avoid that.  I still don’t really understand what need he is filling for me.  As a human, I am prone to selfishness and doing things that bring satisfaction (of some sort) to me.  But I can’t figure out what satisfaction Mr. B meets in my life.

Is the attention?  Is it having someone listen to me?  Is it having someone express an interest in me?  Is it having someone enjoying my creativity?  What is it?

I honestly don’t know, Lord.  Are my eyes blinded to the root of the issue?

God Stop:  Lord, open my eyes to the truth in my situation with Mr. B.  What lie am I buying into?  Please reveal what need he is meeting in my life.  Help me to find my fulfillment in You, not him!

Please give me a passion for You and drawing closer to You!  Show me where to walk, Lord.  Even if it is footstep by footstep, please create a path for me to follow.

I LOVE YOU

April 24, 2018

I am sad.  I am lost.

Did I mention that I am sad?

If I was a cartoon, I would be the girl walking around looking at the ground.  Dragging her feet slowly while a dark cloud hovered over her head with rain falling down.

Yep, that would be me today.

I deleted my IM account last night.  After my behavior this past weekend, I knew I had to take a break from Mr. B.  No we didn’t do anything horrible.

I said I was going to the beach.  He asked for bikini pics.  So, I sent them.

In this day and age that sounds pretty mundane, right?  Except for the fact that he is married!  I should not have sent them.  He should not have asked.  Plain and simple.  It is yet again a place we have blurred the lines.

Nothing is changing with my relationship with him.  I mentioned before that I have a cyber crush on him.  What exactly does that mean.  It is not a crush in the usual sense of the word.  When I think of a crush, I think of highschool.  Where the boy was just so cute you couldn’t stop looking at him.  Where you were obsessed with person.  So much so that you forgot to eat, you couldn’t do your school work, and all you did was day dream about that guy.

That is not me.  I don’t day dream about Mr. B.  I don’t really think about his looks.  I am able to concentrate on work and my artwork.  Where things get a little wonky is when we are talking in the IM app.  I just want to keep talking to him.  He is smart and kind.  I enjoy our conversations.  I always tell him I have the “hots” for his mind!  When some of the other girls in the alliance flirt with him, I get a little jealous.  It started out as pretending to get jealous, but I sometimes think it is a bit real.  However, he doesn’t flirt back with them so it’s not like I can really get mad.  It is just a strange situation.

So anyways, I don’t think whatever I am feeling towards Mr. B is getting less.  He keeps saying I can’t be mad at myself for something I can’t control.  Ummm…I am a grown woman shouldn’t I be able to control if I have a crush on someone or not?  Sending bikini pics in suggestive poses was the final straw.

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I deleted the bikini pic album and then I deleted the IM app.  I moved most of game players over to another alliance for awhile.  I just need a break from him.  He has access to my game accounts so I sent him a game email asking him to please not move my accounts back to his alliance.  His answers were very short.  Just things like:

I understand 🙂

Which for some reason pissed me off!  I am not sure what I wanted from him, but those two words were not it!  Maybe I wanted him to beg me to please keep talking to him or something.  I need my motive for deleting the IM to not be because I want to manipulate him.  Lord, I really need to be at a place where I can let him go.  Just walk away and not look back!

I am not to that place yet.  And at this moment, I wonder if I ever will be.  I know from past experience that eventually, he will fade from my life.  Just like Mr. O and Mr. R.  I keep trying to remember that this is just a season.  It is not a lifetime…just a season.

God Stop:  Lord, please give me the strength to take a true break from Mr. B.  Help me to take it day by day.  Today, I already spoke to him.  So help me to not speak to him the rest of the day.

Each day please fill my heart to overflowing with Your love, so I don’t feel the need to go seeking fake love elsewhere.  If I can learn to fully receive Your Love then I won’t need to try and find scraps of love from those I shouldn’t!

Help me to cling to Your words that tell me just how much You love me:

For this is how much God loved the world—He gave His one and only, unique Son as a gift.  John 3:16a (TPT)

April 24, 2018

I deleted my IM app that I talk to Mr B on.

Nothing else to say right now, Lord.

I have a gaping hole in my chest…