April 24, 2018

I am sad.  I am lost.

Did I mention that I am sad?

If I was a cartoon, I would be the girl walking around looking at the ground.  Dragging her feet slowly while a dark cloud hovered over her head with rain falling down.

Yep, that would be me today.

I deleted my IM account last night.  After my behavior this past weekend, I knew I had to take a break from Mr. B.  No we didn’t do anything horrible.

I said I was going to the beach.  He asked for bikini pics.  So, I sent them.

In this day and age that sounds pretty mundane, right?  Except for the fact that he is married!  I should not have sent them.  He should not have asked.  Plain and simple.  It is yet again a place we have blurred the lines.

Nothing is changing with my relationship with him.  I mentioned before that I have a cyber crush on him.  What exactly does that mean.  It is not a crush in the usual sense of the word.  When I think of a crush, I think of highschool.  Where the boy was just so cute you couldn’t stop looking at him.  Where you were obsessed with person.  So much so that you forgot to eat, you couldn’t do your school work, and all you did was day dream about that guy.

That is not me.  I don’t day dream about Mr. B.  I don’t really think about his looks.  I am able to concentrate on work and my artwork.  Where things get a little wonky is when we are talking in the IM app.  I just want to keep talking to him.  He is smart and kind.  I enjoy our conversations.  I always tell him I have the “hots” for his mind!  When some of the other girls in the alliance flirt with him, I get a little jealous.  It started out as pretending to get jealous, but I sometimes think it is a bit real.  However, he doesn’t flirt back with them so it’s not like I can really get mad.  It is just a strange situation.

So anyways, I don’t think whatever I am feeling towards Mr. B is getting less.  He keeps saying I can’t be mad at myself for something I can’t control.  Ummm…I am a grown woman shouldn’t I be able to control if I have a crush on someone or not?  Sending bikini pics in suggestive poses was the final straw.

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I deleted the bikini pic album and then I deleted the IM app.  I moved most of game players over to another alliance for awhile.  I just need a break from him.  He has access to my game accounts so I sent him a game email asking him to please not move my accounts back to his alliance.  His answers were very short.  Just things like:

I understand 🙂

Which for some reason pissed me off!  I am not sure what I wanted from him, but those two words were not it!  Maybe I wanted him to beg me to please keep talking to him or something.  I need my motive for deleting the IM to not be because I want to manipulate him.  Lord, I really need to be at a place where I can let him go.  Just walk away and not look back!

I am not to that place yet.  And at this moment, I wonder if I ever will be.  I know from past experience that eventually, he will fade from my life.  Just like Mr. O and Mr. R.  I keep trying to remember that this is just a season.  It is not a lifetime…just a season.

God Stop:  Lord, please give me the strength to take a true break from Mr. B.  Help me to take it day by day.  Today, I already spoke to him.  So help me to not speak to him the rest of the day.

Each day please fill my heart to overflowing with Your love, so I don’t feel the need to go seeking fake love elsewhere.  If I can learn to fully receive Your Love then I won’t need to try and find scraps of love from those I shouldn’t!

Help me to cling to Your words that tell me just how much You love me:

For this is how much God loved the world—He gave His one and only, unique Son as a gift.  John 3:16a (TPT)

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