April 20, 2018

Well, I did not want to get out of bed today.  Just wanted to huddle there under the covers with the entire world hidden from view.  But I had to go to the restroom, so I got up!

Still not a peep from a single one of my co-workers.  My flesh is screaming, crying, aching, and throwing hissy fits.  I want to just stand in a corner moping and stomping my childish little feet.  However, I don’t think that is appropriate behavior of a woman my age.

So, instead I keep talking to You, Lord, asking You what I should do.  How I should act.

And as always, You are faithful to show me the path I need to take.  My flesh would prefer to stay standing in the corner, but that wouldn’t benefit anyone!

I believe that You want me to look at this as an opportunity.  An opportunity to strengthen the foundation of our ministry.  Right now there has been a lot of shaking up and cracking of our foundation.  The constant toxic environment between the Church and our ministry has taken its toll on everyone.

Even though the ministry is headed by a new Director, the Church still seems to be stuck with their vision for the ministry which is totally different than our current and future vision.  I was tempted to call my old boss, the first Director, to talk with him about how I should handle this situation with my hurt over my co-works lack of caring.  However, You, quickly let me realize that that was NOT a good idea at all.

My last Director, always put the staff’s well being first and foremost.  He didn’t believe in sick leave.  If someone was sick or unable to come to work then they should continue to get paid until they were well enough to return to work.  Limiting the amount of days to 1 or 2 weeks often caused issues for employees who had serious health issues or had family members with serious health issues.  By getting rid of sick leave, the employer ended up with loyal employees who were always willing to go above and beyond their job description.  When an employer is loyal and supportive to their employees they get loyal hardworking employees in return!

Anyways, my last Director never forgot when I had appointments or a health issue.  Even though he was in his late 70’s.  So, naturally I wanted to call him and belly ache because he would inevitably be “on my side.”  Thankfully, You cautioned me about that.  All telling him would do is stress him out and potentially have my current Director hear the brunt of his anger over her handling of the situation.  Not Good!

Then I remembered how he mentioned that his main concern about the new Director was that the ministry was not her sole focus.  She was also the clergy in another Church.  Had grandkids that she often watched.  Had a boyfriend who lives in another city who she goes in visits regularly.  In other words, she is pulled in several different directions.  Whereas, the old Director’s sole focus was the ministry.  And the other 3 of us were also solely focused on the ministry.

Now we have 9 employees instead of 3.  All of them are closer to my age.  Have families that they interact with on a regular basis.  Several of them have other jobs, are looking for relationships, and are actively involved with other ministries in key roles.  The ministry is not their sole focus.  I believe for many of them it is their primary focus.  Just not the sole…

I could go to a negative place as I look at all of this.  But instead, You, took me to a place of opportunity.  This is the perfect time for us to “shore up” our foundation, set new goals, set new boundaries, and redirect our vision!

Yes, I fell through the cracks.  So we need to make sure that doesn’t happen to someone else in the future.  I need to forgive them and move on.  Because I was part of the old regime, I have had to take a backseat role in the ministry due to outside pressure from the Church.  I was originally in the forefront of the Leadership.  When the old Director retired (I say that with a bit of sarcasm since he was basically fired.  Very politely of course!), it was assumed that I would remain in charge of the ministry.  After all, I had been there for over 10 years and had been running it daily for 3 of those years.

Instead, the Church leadership decided to appoint a new person who had been with the ministry for about a year.  She was clergy which made sense.  I truly believed that You wanted her to be the Director, so I backed the decision 100%.  As the new Director and I have looked back we realize that the Church was trying to drive a wedge between the two of us and get me to quit.  They knew that they couldn’t fire me without cause a huge ruckus since I had been there so long.  The Church leadership did several other things to try and make me quit.  Unfortunately, for them, I never felt like You, Lord, were telling me to quit.  So, I stuck it out!

I looked at the change in rank and position as an opportunity to pursue areas of the ministry that I loved to do.  The creative aspects.  The communications, graphic design, marketing, and social media.  At times, it was a bitter pill to swallow.  But my comfort came from the fact that I was doing what I loved to do and I was doing it for You!  (I know my attitude didn’t reflect that more times than I care to admit!)

In order to be removed, even farther out of the lime light, I began to work from home except for one day a week.  We were going for the whole out of sight, out of mind.  Out of sight of the Church that is!

The collateral damage of the “out of sight, out of mind” is that it worked too well.  Not only did I disappear off the Church’s radar, I think it bled over into the ministry’s radar too!

I am sure my not being in the office each day does push me and my life issues to the back of everyone’s brain.  Just like my not being in charge of the ministry any more pushed me to the back burner.  But my flesh still screams out to be noticed!  SEE ME!  It demands.

That brings us to the current situation.  Me feeling rejected that no one remembered I had a big appointment with a Nephrologist.  And then once they found out, still no one taking the time to call me and see if I need to talk or if I was alright.  A crack in the foundation of the ministry.  Caring for the staff is a big part of a ministry’s firm foundation.

So, the opportunity is what?

The opportunity is for me to recognize that this whole scenario since the last Director retired is a plan of the enemy to crack and break up the foundation of this ministry.  As a staff member, I am a target of his.  All of us are targets.  Because, I am from the old school part of the staff I needed to be gone.  He has tried to get me to quit from one rejection after another from the Church.  And now that there are cracks in the foundation (from the constant toxic environment we are in) he is trying to demolish the foundations through those weak spots.  This rejection of me by the staff is his attempt at demolition!

My flesh wants to quit and never go back to my job.  But I do not feel like You are telling me to quit at all, Lord!  I think You are saying look at this opportunity I have placed before you, daughter. An opportunity to thwart the enemies plan to destroy the ministry’s foundation.  Instead of running away from the ministry – run towards it.  Be present for a little bit each day.  Be present.  Like I showed you at the beginning of the year.  PRESENT!

So, the plan that I believe You have placed on my heart is this:

  • Go in on Monday and receive prayer.  Forgive the staff members
  • Meet with the Director on Monday to discuss how the rejection made me feel and how I believe it is an attack on the ministry.  Not just an individual
  • Be present for at least an hour each day in the office.  (That equals the 5 hours I worked on Wednesdays each week)
  • Pray together as a team for the upcoming opportunities and changes.
  • Give up my fleshly reactions each time they rear their ugly head.  As many times a day as needed.  Speak them out to the Lord.

I think that is a good place to start, Lord.  I think all of those actions are doable!  And thank you for giving me a plan of action!

God Stop: Please help me to let go of any feelings of rejection, hurt, bitterness, and anger I have towards my co-workers.  Help me to reframe this entire situation so that I see it as an opportunity to build a stronger foundation.

Please help me to give my hurt to You whenever I think about the fact that no one from work has even contacted me to see what the Dr. said or how I am doing.  I give the hurt to You, Lord.  Take it out of my heart.  Help me to remember that You are my Comforter.

And thank You for this new opportunity that is ahead of us.

I Love You!

April 19, 2018

I’m back…again.  Poor You! lol

I’m still feeling the echoes of yesterday, Lord.  I am still hurt, sad, and a bit angry.  And unfortunately, my anger is kind of growing.  I still have not heard from a single person at my job to check and see how I am doing after my Kidney Dr. appointment.  They have texted me with business questions, but nothing else.

We ARE a full time prayer ministry!  And a majority of the people we have appointments with struggle with their so called friends and family treating them like they are not important.  Yet, here is my so called work “family” doing the exact same thing to me that we pray for healing for others.  There is irony in that, but I just find it hurtful.

Lord, I don’t want to get bitter about this.  I don’t want the anger to begin to thrash around in my gut.  But truth be told, I am angry!  Pissed!

This always seems to happen.  I expend a lot of energy always checking on other people during their hard times.  I email, text, call them, or I am there for them in person.  But where are they when I am going through a difficult time.  Nowhere to be found!  Alone, again, naturally.  (Wow, I just read the lyrics to the song.  So depressing…geesh!)  Yet, there are parts of it that do speak to my heart right now.  The pain, sadness, and being alone.

So, the one common denominator that doesn’t change over the years in these situations is me.  Am I somehow to blame for being treated this way, Lord.  Do I do something wrong in these relationships that makes people not care enough to reach out to me when I am in need?  Something people often bring up is that I am so self-reliant.  I am strong.  I never seem like I need anyone.

Well, I don’t know who told them that crock of bleep!  But that is absolutely not true.  I am a human being created to be in relationships and in communication with other humans.  I am not an island.  I am an extreme introvert in my personal life, but fairly extroverted in my work/social life.  I do enjoy communication with others.  I do need my downtime alone as well.

I just don’t know where to go from here, Lord.  I have no desire to even go into work!  I can’t quit my job because I need my salary to live.  But most importantly, I don’t feel led by You to leave my job.  I enjoy what I do.  I love that the work that we do transforms people’s lives as they come to know You!  I am just stuck, Lord.

God Stop:  Please help me to forgive my co-workers and friends who didn’t remember to call and check how my Dr. appointment went.  Let this anger building inside of me dissipate.  Please don’t let me become bitter towards work.  Show me how to let go of this hurt and pain that is squeezing my insides.

I thank You that you are going to give me a different perspective on this entire situation.  That You will use this pain to set me free.  That You will heal what ever needs to be healed in me about this situation.

I LOVE YOU!

April 18, 2018

Well, I missed yesterday.  But to be honest, I just didn’t feel like talking.  And I was working on some artwork.  I feel like I spent time with You creating artwork.  At least I hope we did!

I come to You today with a hurting heart, Lord.  And maybe, it is my own fault, but it still hurts.  But I also believe that the enemy  would love to have me blame myself and hate myself even more.

Today, was my appointment with the Kidney specialist.

Yesterday, I got a sweet IM from Mr. W:

I am thinking about you.  Tomorrow is going to go great!  Do not worry.

He and Mr. B are the only people who remembered that I had an appointment today.  Well, my mom and dad did because my mom took me and told my dad.  I find it strange that a guy (Mr. W), I only talk to sporadically online, actually remembered the exact day of my Dr. appointment  while my friend and co-workers did not.  And Mr. B remembered too.

My two roommates did not.  All of my co-workers did not.  Instead, I got a note saying that they were concerned because I failed to show up for the Staff meeting.

I failed to show up because I was at the Nephrologist.  I had talked to my boss last week and she said they would all pray for me as soon as the meeting started because that was when I had my appointment.

These were the thoughts running through my head:

This is all your own fault.  You work from home most of the time.  How are they supposed to remember – out of sight, out of mind.  They don’t care about you.  Nobody does.  You are nothing.  You are nobody!

I do know that those are lies from the enemy.  Do you know how I know?  Because the other day, I felt led to write this poem for no apparent reason.

My heart might ache today,
from the words that others fail to say.
But, I believe that Your love always finds the way.
Into our hearts – where it plans to stay.
No matter, come what may.

I read this poem this morning.  And I keep reading it over and over again.  God, You, knew I was going to feel alone, neglected, and rejected today.  You had me write that poem as a reminder that Your love always finds a way.  It doesn’t matter if others let me down.  You will not.  And Your love will not!

My love language is words of affirmation.  So, my way of showing people that I care about them is to always try to reach out through verbal communication when they have appointments, meetings, or any situation that might cause them stress.  Not everybody shows their love in that same way.  Maybe I need to cut them some slack.

But to me when you care about someone, you make an effort to let them know that you care.  You take the time to call them or text them to let them know you are praying or thinking about them.  It only takes a couple of seconds out of your day.  But those couple of seconds might be the most important seconds of someone else’s day.  Just saying…

Oh my gosh!  That is probably how You feel about me, Lord.  Thinking that it would only take a few seconds for me to reach out to You and show that I am thinking about You and that You are important to me.  Can you say:  “pot calling the kettle black!”

God Stop: Lord, please help me to forgive my friends and co-workers who didn’t remember that I had a Dr appointment and didn’t call to check on me.  Please help me to forgive them for now knowing they forgot and still not calling me and saying that they were sorry that they forgot.

Help me to focus on Your love for me and the people that You choose to love me through.  I thank You that You have placed divine connections in my life.   Some are already in my life and some are yet to come.

I thank You that it seems like I might only have Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 1.  I have a Kidney Ultrasound next week and some more blood work to find out more information.  I thank You for the healing that is taking place in me right now, Lord.

I LOVE YOU

April 16, 2018

Well, I don’t have much to say today. But the main thing is I showed up. And I am present!!

I did not sleep at all last night. No I was not talking to Mr B. In fact, I haven’t talked much to him at all the past couple of days. I feel like he is slipping through my fingers.

I don’t know if it’s me backing off or if we are both backing off. And today I am so tired I don’t really care who is doing what!

Just one more day until my appointment with the Nephrologist. Not sure what I am feeling about that. Right now I am numb. But that is probably lack of sleep.

I do know that You can heal my kidneys. So, I am trusting that You will pick the best way for me to be healed.

I am rather partial to a total miracle healing!

However, I will receive Your healing in whatever way You chose to give it to me. I will try not to be bossy or picky! You know what I need best. Me, I just need to receive!

GOD STOP: Lord, thank you for today. I thank you for the healing that is already taking place in me.

I thank you for helping me to be “present” in the moments of my day. I thank you for going before me to my Drs office and blessing the office with your Holy Spirit.

Thank you that You are my Comforter!

I LOVE YOU!

Why Do I Blog?

Awhile back, I mentioned to someone that I was blogging again.  The usual question came up:

Why do you blog?

That is a good question.  The reason why I blog has changed over the years, but the underlying root reason has remained the same.  I need a safe place where I can vent all of my emotions.

I don’t feel safe in my real life expressing my emotions to anyone.  My entire life, I have always been the person that listens and lets everyone else vomit up their emotions.  Yet, when I tried to reciprocate, I found that no one really wanted to deal with my emotional crisis.

When it came to surface emotions they were in like Flynn.  As soon as I dared to step into deep water emotions, they darted away as fast as a school of fish being chased by a shark.  Logically, I realized that they were simply not equipped to listen to my complicated emotional issues.  But emotionally, I took their fleeing as rejection.

And that hurt!  It hurt viciously!  It hurt so deeply that I made an inner vow to myself to never reveal my deep emotions to any of my friends or family ever again.  And I have stuck to that vow since I was a teenager.

Then one day I discovered WordPress.  I began reading some of the blogs that related to my emotional issues.  I saw people bravely expressing their deepest, darkest secrets.  And amazingly, people were not running away screaming.  They were supporting the people’s expressions of dark emotions.

I realized that I could be anonymous, but still share my real emotions with this group of supportive people.  Strangers who appeared kinder than my friends and family.

I felt freed from my emotional cage!  Utterly, FREE!

So, I began to blog.  I have a confession, I am an all or nothing kind of woman.  So when I started a blog, I decided to commit to it 200%.  I dove into the deep end.  No slowly wading in for this gal!

My blog took off like a wildfire.  I began spending 7-8 hours a day writing blog posts and answering all the comments people were leaving. (This was on top of my full time job.)  I created a blog where a whole group of writers told a story about one woman.  Each individual writer was a separate character in that woman’s life.  I created a digital magazine that showcased other bloggers’ poetry.  I then even started a blog with another blogger where we showcased other bloggers’ work.  It included short stories, audio recordings, music, and poetry.  We had contests and prizes.

I was fully immersed in the blogging world.  To the point that I began to drown.  I had completely overcommitted myself.  Working a full time job and blogging for 7-10 hours a day took a toll on my body, emotions, and mind.

I quit blogging cold turkey! (that would be the all or nothing rearing its ugly head)

I still read other people’s blog.  I liked many of them.  But, I very rarely commented.  Many bloggers are unaware how much their writings have helped me over the past couple of years.  Just reading that others were struggling with many of my same issues gave me hope.  I took some of their remedies that worked for them and tried applying them to my life.  Of course, I had to tailor the remedies to my own personality, but some of them actually worked!

So, I went for the whole arm’s length approach to blogging for awhile.  However, I found that writing a blog is actually cathartic for me.  There is something about getting all the chaotic thoughts running around in my brain out in black in white.  It seems to bring order to chaos.  And it gives me a different perspective on my struggles.

The person I was speaking to asked why I didn’t just keep my blog private.  Did I have a need to have others read what I was writing.  Was I looking for sympathy or attention?

I think all humans inherently want others to “understand” their emotions, thoughts, and ideas.  We were created for two way communication and interaction.  So, yes maybe I do want people to read my blog and have some sort of compassion towards my struggles.

But what if reading my struggles actually helps someone else be able to verbalize their pain?  Or what if it gives them hope like so many other bloggers writings gave me hope?  What if something I write speaks to them enough that they seek the help they need?

So, why do I blog?

I blog for my freedom.  Freedom from my inner silence.  Freedom from my chaotic thoughts.  Freedom from my emotional pain.  Freedom from rejection.  Freedom from self-condemnation.  Freedom of expression.  Freedom to hope.  Freedom to be fully alive!  Freedom to not just survive, but to thrive!

April 15, 2018

Drumroll please…

5 days.  5 days in a row!

And the good news is that I actually look forward to coming and talking with You, Lord.  While I was watching my Church service online, I was waiting expectantly for the time when I could come share with You what had stood out to me.

It is nice to feel that way again.  I have missed wanting to talk to You.

Today’s sermon was about wisdom.  Something I have been lacking for quite awhile.  Am I smart, yes.  Am I wise, not!  I have not been wise for quite some time.  I have been cruising along in “it’s all about me” mode.

The Pastor’s teaching was mostly from the book of Proverbs.  Which is crammed full of useful tidbits and sayings.  One of the Scriptures he used that stood out to me was:

A fool finds pleasure in wicked schemes…  Proverbs 10:23 (NIV)

Yes, I resemble that statement!  As I listened to the sermon, I realized I have been living my life as a fool  lately.  Every time “the fool” was mentioned, I simply substituted my name.  If the shoe fits, right?  Well, the fool’s shoes definitely fit me!

As I looked up the Scripture above I saw a bunch of different translations.  The one that really jumped off the page was the translation from the Aramaic Bible in Plain English from BibleHub.

A moron, in making merry, does evil…

Ummm…yeah that pretty much describes me.  I have been a total moron in my relationship with Mr. B.  And yes, I have found great pleasure in doing it.  I keep telling myself that as long as we are not “bad” it’s ok to talk with him.  And yes, I do think that men and women can be just friends.  As long as both parties only feel friendship for each other.  If one person has more than friendship feelings for the other, then it CAN NOT work.  Regardless, of how hard you try to keep it platonic.

And that’s where I am in my relationship with Mr. B.  I have a cyber-crush on him.  I don’t ever plan on acting on my emotional attachment with him in the real world.  I don’t think about him sexually.  I will never text him, call him, or even write on his Facebook page.  But my attachment to him does involve my emotions.  His towards me does not.  Well, at least not in the same way as mine.

He does care about my emotions.  He does not like to make me upset or hurt me in any way.  He is very gentle when he feels like he is going to say something that I might interpret as being hurtful.  But I don’t think his emotional needs are met by me like my emotional needs are met by him.

Mr. B has a real life.  I have pretty much isolated myself from my real life.  I have lots of real friends.  In fact, in the scheme of things I would be considered fairly popular.  I have friends that I have had since I was 4 years old.  There is a group of us who have all been best buddies since Elementary School.  If I need anything all I have to do is call them.  And they would be there for me immediately and 100%!

In fact, with my current health issues, I had to get the paperwork together for my Living Will with Health Care Advocate and Durable Power of Attorney.  I called two of my friends that I only see once or twice a year at pot luck dinners and asked if they would be ok with me naming them for those positions.  There was no hesitation on their part.  “Yes, of course” was the answer!

That being said, my daily interaction with people is primarily online.  I am not sure why I choose to do that, but I do.  Maybe because there is an emotional buffer because in my mind they are not 100% real.  I can’t reach out and touch them and vice versa.  (This is probably a root issue that we need to work on, Lord.)

But, I digress!

Back to the sermon, the Pastor then made a statement that seemed to be written in ALL CAPS, BOLDED, and in bright RED!

STEP AWAY FROM FOOLISH LIVING…

Well, Lord, You can’t get more clear than that! I know that is my directive, so to speak, but I am not sure I want or know how to comply.  Ugh…I am such a stubborn woman.  Honestly, I enjoy talking with Mr. B.  And I don’t want to give him up.  Even though, I know I probably should give him up.

Once again, I go back to if I am seeking You and spending time with You, then naturally, I will be spending less time with Mr. B.  The outcome of that = I would be stepping away from foolish living.

GOD STOP: Lord, please give me a deep desire to seek You more and more each day.  Help me to want to spend more time with You.  Please teach me how to be present in each moment.  No more auto pilot or zoning out in my real life!

While my foolish living seems pleasurable for this short time it always results in me feeling miserable in some way or another.  Lord, help me to step towards You and step away from foolish living!

April 14, 2018

4 days!

Definitely, a personal record.  The amazing thing is not only do I keep coming back, but so do You, Lord!

I had a melt down last night.  No sense in sugar coating it.

I am not really sure what triggered it.  I think its possibly because I know that I have to let Mr. B go.  Yes, I know that I mentioned yesterday that that was going to naturally happen as I draw closer to You.  And I do believe that is true.  But for the briefest of moments last night I thought that maybe I should just walk away and not look back.

Then, I just started bawling.  It wasn’t just tearing up.  It was tears streaming down my cheeks, snotty nose kind of crying.  I just feel like so many changes are suddenly taking place in my life.

Breaking up with my fiancé, work changes, health changes, and the proverbial life change.  Which is not so proverbial when one is in the throes of menopause.  Just saying…

The change I know is on the horizon with my relationship with Mr. B is the straw that broke the camel’s back.  So I bawled.

Mr. B knows that I recently broke up with Mr. S.  And that has kind of altered my relationship with him.  We have flirted around the edges of sexting and sometimes we’ve crossed the line a little bit.  The fact that both of us were in committed relationships always stopped us from taking it anywhere.

Technically, evening thinking about Mr. B in anything other than a platonic way is wrong.  I know that.  And I don’t “think” about him in that way.  We just kind of sext.  When I am not chatting with him I don’t have day dreams about him or even think about him in any other way than hoping I get to talk to him soon.

Anyways, with me breaking up with Mr. S, I have felt guilty when our conversation even heads in the wrong direction.  And obviously so does Mr. B since he wrote me this:

Truth be told, I have been more than a little upset with myself after last weekend.  I was bad.

I need to be less bad now and I am trying to be careful.

I don’t know if this matters to you, but now that you are single it just seems different if we are bad.  Not as joking and innocent as before.  I need to adjust to that.

Less IM lately is mostly because I was bad and need to be better.

Lord, I do totally understand it.  I know it is twisted thinking on both of our parts.  Being bad…is bad.  Regardless, if I am single or in a committed relationship.  And whenever we start heading in that direction lately, I have been shutting it down.

I told him I understood, but that talking less was really hard for me.  Especially, right now when I feel so raw and vulnerable with the break up and the health issues.  The he told me that he understood, but that talking less didn’t mean we couldn’t talk.  And that he enjoyed talking with me as friends.

And Lord, I am sorry, but I enjoy talking to him too.  I can’t lie to You about that.  Anyways, after he told me that I started crying.  Because I realized that I didn’t know if it was harder for me to talk to him right now or not talk to him right now.  Then I told him I was sitting there crying as I typed that.  Because I felt like everything was changing all at once.  And I cried and cried and cried.

I honestly don’t know if I was crying over Mr. B, Mr. S, work, health, or “E” all of the above.   Only thing I do know was that I was sad.  So I cried.  Until I saw his reply:

Sweety, I am not going anywhere.  Do not cry.  I will talk to you anytime!  Change can often be very good!

He’s right change can be good.  It never seems to be comfortable when one is going through it, but once you come out the other side it is often much better.  I think having most of the major areas in my life (work, health, and relationship) in flux has put me on the edge emotionally.  Add in a dash of menopausal symptoms and you have a recipe for rollercoaster emotions.

So, today I am doing what I can do to focus on You, Lord.  I said good morning to Mr. B and told him I would be gone most of the day.  I have not even gone back to check the IM app since 9:30 am.  Thank You, Lord for giving me the strength to do that.

Mr. B is an addiction.  Plain and simple.

Lord, You have set me free from alcohol addiction, nicotine addiction, cocaine addiction, and eating disorders.  A man addiction will be easy peasey for You!  You have been faithful to heal me and set me free from all of those addictions.  So, I believe You will do the same with this addiction.

God Stop:  Lord, thank You for giving me the strength to let go of Mr. B.  Right now, I know that I am holding onto him as tightly as I can.  I am clutching him in a death grip.  Please help me to loosen up my fingers to set him free.

Ugh…it scares me to even write that.  Because letting him go terrifies me.  But if I am clutching him in a death grip there is no way for me to reach out to hold Your hand.  I thank You for changing my heart each day.

Return to me the joy of my salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. (Psalm 51:12 paraphrased)

I LOVE YOU

April 13, 2018

I am back…..

Yes, that’s right.  3 days in a row, Lord.  Can You believe it?

Soooo…on to my “grand plan.”

I had this brilliant idea that I would simply just stop talking with Mr. B.  I would delete my IM account from my phone!  I sent him a couple texts explaining that I was taking a break from playing the Game and from IM.  I expressed that I did not want to be a downer with the way I was feeling lately.  And then I deleted the app from my phone.

That lasted for a couple of hours.  Then I installed the IM app on my iPad.  Rationalizing that I wouldn’t check the app on my iPad as much since I don’t always have it with me.  Of course, in order to install it on my iPad, I had to verify that it was actually me on my iPhone through the IM app.  So, I installed it back on my phone to verify.

Are you shaking Your head at me?  Well, I am shaking my head at myself.

I am such a WIMP when it comes to letting go of Mr. B.  A complete, utter WIMP!  By the time I had reinstalled the IM app on my phone.  Mr. B had already messaged me 5 times.  The total is now up to 8 times.  Of course, I did send him an in game email when I saw that his shield was down on his castle.

Lord, what is it that makes me not want to give up talking to him?  I know I can stop talking to him cold turkey.  I did it for a month earlier this year.  But what is the underlying issue within me that “needs” this interaction with him.  Talking to him is meeting some “need” in me that is not getting met in my life.  I am just not sure what that need is.

And for that matter, why does he put up with me and my rollercoaster moods?  I have asked him that a couple of times when I’ve tried to stop talking to him before.  His answer:

“Well…I put up with it because it is online.  Not in person.”  (please tell me that my answer made you smile a little bit.)

And if talking to me helps you, kind of like therapy for you, then I don’t mind being on the blunt end of your emotions and moods.”

I have never been really good at expressing my emotions in my real life.  I am always the one who is calm and just listens to everyone else.  Yet, I have found that the anonymity of cyberspace allows me to respond emotionally without worrying what others might think.  Unfortunately, my pent up emotions from real life explode irrationally at times in my cyber life.  So my reactions to a situation are blown completely out of proportion.  And poor Mr. B is often on the receiving end of these emotions.

When I explained to him that being able to release my pent up emotions does help me because in cyberspace my reactions don’t come back to bite me in the behind.  Plus, I really don’t care what the cyber people think.  Well, except I do care what Mr. B thinks.  He responded back with:

I kind of feel the same way.  Except I do care what you think and consider you a friend, but the anonymity of it keeps me from getting too involved.  Plus, I don’t mind helping if it helps you.

I hope that doesn’t sound too impersonal because that is not my intent.

What I heard from that was that he cares, but it doesn’t impact his real life at all.

Yes.  I am always willing to listen to you.  And you are correct it does not impact my real life.  I hope that doesn’t upset you.

It is a tough situation to explain.

I am glad that talking to me does help you get things off your chest.  You need to get things out.  I also hope though that you don’t get upset when I say I talk to you for fun and friendship.

I know you have mentioned your “cyber crush” on me.  And you know I don’t feel the same way.  And I hope I have not interfered in your relationship with Mr. S in any way.

And truth be told, he has not.  No one else can interfere with my relationship with Mr. S unless I let them.  I honestly would rather talk with Mr. B than with Mr. S.  But that is my issue, not Mr. B’s.

And the main reason I talk with Mr. B so much is because it is an escape from my real life.  A place where people don’t fall short of each other’s expectations.  Although, sometimes my expectations of Mr. B get blurry.  My home life and work life have been very stressful for the past 2 years.  The Game and the IM communications have been my escape from feeling miserable in my real life.

I know what I feel for Mr. B and what we share in IM is not “real.”  In person, we would probably both fall short of each others expectations.  And I told him on numerous occasions that I escape with him online.  And that he bears no responsibility for the failure of my engagement with Mr. S.  His response:

Well that is both relieving and sad to hear.  I do not like hearing that you have been miserable 😦

Lord, I write all this to try to get my confusion with my feelings for Mr. B out in the open.  In black and white.  So, I am not keeping them in the dark places in my heart.  I know that bringing dark secrets out into the light is the only way for healing to start!

But, I don’t know if I want to be healed of my feelings towards him.  That is horrible to admit, isn’t it?  I know for a fact that he is filling some need in me.  And to be honest, I know that in some way I am filling some need in him or he would not have continued to talk with me for 2 years.  I know I am more invested feeling wise than he is.  But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to keep talking to him.

I don’t know what I want to happen from here, Lord.  I really don’t.  I don’t know how to pray for this situation.  I don’t know if I want to pray for this situation.

What I do know is that I need to want to talk to You more than I talk to Mr. B.  I know that my relationship with You needs to be a higher priority than my relationship with him.  I honestly don’t think I can change my desire to talk to Mr. B.

But, I do know that the more I talk to You through these journal entries, my poetry, and my art the more Mr. B will fade into the background.  I don’t believe the solution is about me giving Mr. B up.  I think the only way I will be set free from the bonds I have with him is to strengthen my bonds with You.

The more I seek Your face.  The more I seek conversations with You.  The more I write poetry expressing my emotions and crying out to You.  The more I express myself through my artwork and use my artwork to glorify You.  The less important Mr. B will become.

I won’t overcome this issue by my willpower trying to separate from Mr. B.  I will be an overcomer by joining myself more and more to You each day.  The Scripture that comes to mind is:

He must become greater and greater, I must become less and less.  John 3:30 (NLT)

To apply that directly to my situation with Mr. B.

God must become greater and greater.  And Mr. B must become less and less.

Mr. B is all about me and my desires.  Having my fleshly needs met.  If I keep feeding those needs more and more my cravings for him will grow and grow.  By spending more time with You, Lord.  I will starve my flesh.  And starvations kills!

God Stop:  Lord, please give me a desire to draw closer to You each day.  From the moment I wake until I go to sleep.  Help me to want to talk with You instead of Mr. B.

Please put a passion to write and create artwork back in my heart.  I have neglected both of those for several years.  Help me to return back to my creative side.  Fill me up with creative inspiration.  As the Creator  You are the perfect example for me to follow.  Teach me to walk in Your creative footsteps, Lord.

I pray that You may become greater and greater  in my life and that I would become less and less !

I LOVE YOU