April 25, 2018

Today, what to say about today.

I am kind of numb today.  I feel like I am wearing a perpetual frown lately.  And I don’t like that at all.  I am usually a fairly optimistic person.  But over the past couple of years, I feel like I am partaking in a more negative view of life.  I don’t want to be one of “those” people, Lord.

I have so much to be thankful for.  How could I even dare to be negative?  You have showered me with so many blessings.  More than I will ever be able to count.  Yet, here I sit, little Ms Negative.   UGH!

So, I have decided on a short term goal with Mr. B.  I did end up talking to him yesterday.  The conversation was strictly about the game.  Which was a bit stilted and awkward.  And yes, I totally stink.  I downloaded the IM app again.

BIG SIGH

I told him we had to stick to some rules:

  1. No being bad
  2. 99% game talk
  3. If I teased him about his harem he needed to direct it back to the game.

He agreed saying that we hadn’t been “bad” in quite awhile.  And that we would only talk about the game.  He did say he had 1 favor, please.  He wants me to keep him updated about my health.

Why is it so easy for him to shift gears, but not me.  Talking about the game was fine, but I miss the “sweety” and the more lighthearted tone.  But I can’t have my cake and eat it too in this situation.  I know that.  But it still stinks…just saying!

Trying to sort this out makes me feel yucky emotionally.  I alternate between being about to cry and getting angry.  So, I basically manipulated the scenario by saying last night that I wasn’t feeling well.  And now I am not going to talk to him until Monday.  A part of me wants to see if he even cares enough to check on me during this time.  Another part of me wants to use this time to give me some separation from him.  I am not playing the game during this time either.

That probably wasn’t the best way to deal with him, but I already did it so now I’m going to go with it.  Lord, what is the point of me talking with Mr. B?  I always somehow get my emotions in a turmoil.  You would think I would be smart enough to want to avoid that.  I still don’t really understand what need he is filling for me.  As a human, I am prone to selfishness and doing things that bring satisfaction (of some sort) to me.  But I can’t figure out what satisfaction Mr. B meets in my life.

Is the attention?  Is it having someone listen to me?  Is it having someone express an interest in me?  Is it having someone enjoying my creativity?  What is it?

I honestly don’t know, Lord.  Are my eyes blinded to the root of the issue?

God Stop:  Lord, open my eyes to the truth in my situation with Mr. B.  What lie am I buying into?  Please reveal what need he is meeting in my life.  Help me to find my fulfillment in You, not him!

Please give me a passion for You and drawing closer to You!  Show me where to walk, Lord.  Even if it is footstep by footstep, please create a path for me to follow.

I LOVE YOU

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